Will it ever stop?

Here I am yet again fighting with myself over food, what I should and shouldn't be eating. After my birthday and long weekend I was at my highest weight ever 139 (138 was my previous highest when I was 21, at least I had an excuse then, parties and beer!). I had already planned on cleaning up my diet, but I was on the prowl for a "quick fix" since my reunion is now less than 1 month away. I came across the protein sparing modified fast. Basically you come up with the amount of protein you need to be eating based on your lean body mass and multiplying that by a factor based on your activity level. You eat protein and some veggies and that's it. This is a crash diet and isn't meant to be healthy, Lyle McDonald who wrote the book I read, clearly states that in the intro. He also advises to exercise as little as possible since the calories are so low.

So, I have been doing this for 3 days now. This morning I was down to 137.5. All water weight I am sure. It has been okay, but I am not sure how much I agree with the whole low carb thing or the little to no exercise. I have been arguing with myself about whether or not I should just eat a little more so I can get in some good workouts or just stick it out (9 more days) since I can never stick to anything. What to do...what to do...

After some hindsight about my yearly cycles of gaining and losing weight (about 5-15 lbs.) I have noticed a pattern. The weight always came off when I wasn't trying to lose it! For instance last summer I was carrying around about 7 extra pounds that I picked up during tax season. All summer I worried about it, tried dieting, all of that jazz, with no success in losing it. Around September I finally decided to stop worrying about it and made exercise a daily habit again. By late November the weight was gone. Maybe weight loss is more of a mental game for me or something. I know that it would be a huge relief to stop worrying about it. That would free up a lot of time for me! Why should I worry about the next best diet plan when I already have a pretty good idea what has worked for me in the past? If I knew that answer I wouldn't be here right now! Is is really that simple to just keep up my workouts and eat what I want in moderation? I think it can be if I would just let it!

I think that the worrying has made me gain even more weight...I weighed 132 at the end of March!!! I am proud of myself this week though. I hopefully have broken my nightly ritual of sweet eating, which I believe led to the skinny me's demise in the first place. I have a good solid base under this fat thanks to my kettlebell workouts, so I think my muscle can burn off some of this fat if I would just put down the brownies and give it a chance. I have been looking at my food journal and each night for months I have been eating ice cream, cookies, brownies, candy, cereal, something sweet and carby. I am really glad that I started keeping a journal back in Feb. because at least I know why I have gained weight!

Bottom line: I am still a little worried about my high school reunion, but to be honest, those people haven't seen me in 10 years, and I really don't look any different than I did back then. So they aren't going to know that I am 10 lbs. heavier than I was 6 months ago!!! I have a killer dress to wear, along with some gorgeous heels, that accentuates my nice shoulders and arms and covers the cellulite on the back of my thighs (it is sooo gross, I usually have a little, but this much sucks!). There is so much truth to the statement that we are our own worst critics!! So self...get off my back and quite worrying about it!! You may be pleasantly surprised what it does to your state of mind and your figure.